After the week I have had, this was exactly what I needed to read in order to reset 🙏 thank you for your beautiful world and analysis of our fucked up society 💕
Sleep is something we're taught is for the weak, those with insufficient hustle or gumption, but that ideology was designed to serve capitalism and industrial production, not individuals. It's hard to step away from the grind -- hard to not feel like one has to justify -- but if we don't protect and care for ourselves, who will?
After my mum died I OD'ed about every 2 weeks on a very dangerous non-controlled drug, for 6 months, therapy got it to every three months, for about 3-4 years. Then annually, I never got a diagnosis. When I agreed to go into a ward voluntarily, after the 24+ hours of sedation I realized no actual treatment goes on, and promptly got myself discharged in 3 days. It was worse than being at risk of death, like hell had opened up through the floor in a horror movie. They'll let you do it again and again, except I've been fine there since 2011 with no help whatsoever of any value -once they messed up the NHS, and now its wrecked. I'll never voluntarily go into a psych ward again.
I don't know how you function, I have some things wrong with me - How do you work, and work so hard? I hide. I don't know you, but that's both horrific and amazing. Not so for the world sadly.
I'm so sorry to hear of your experiences (which sound very similar to mine, so I completely feel your pain) and I'm grateful to you for sharing. I got discharged from NHS mental health services last year - after 22 years spent suffering at the useless hands of this broken system - because the Personality Disorder Unit that was meant to be treating me only made me sicker and caused me incredible harm, so I didn't feel safe there at all, so they simply got rid of me. Now I'm under the care of my GPs and a private therapist and it's infinitely better.
And I hide too. Work was often (and still sometimes is) just another form of hiding for me: hiding behind being so busy that I don't possibly have time to think or feel and cannot afford to fall to pieces because otherwise I'll get fired and be homeless again, so I'm forced to hold any mood crashes in (although of course I couldn't hide my psychoses when they presented; I had to quit a great publishing job because the sound of my colleagues' keyboards being tapped sent me into a full breakdown); hiding behind responsibilities given to me by others so I didn't have to face the responsibility of getting clean, getting help, getting treatment, getting well; hiding behind some fancy job title because it gave a clear identity when I didn't have a fucking clue who I was or what I was doing; hiding behind a facade of being A Normal Person with A Normal Job and A Normal Routine when my brain is the opposite of normal. It's all hiding, but in a "socially acceptable" way - rather than my preferred mode of hiding which is to isolate myself from everything and everyone.
I hope you are (or that you very soon become) supported in all the ways you need. Please take good care of yourself. I really wish you well ❤️
I start trauma (DV) focussed counselling next week. Trauma therapy is the end goal, waits are a year or more. I may get the help and a dv related diagnosis, and help rebuilding myself. In between I have to face and end the isolation using the resources when slots free up to do activities, this is the terrifying bit right now.
I start clinical help focussed on current and historic issues next week finally that's the main thing. Social Services helped set most of it up.
Dear HLR, you are a very kind and thoughtful person. I love how clearly you express your thoughts and ideas - Simple and unpretentious, and your writing is so perfect - I learn much from the way you write. How I wish you could be my editor! English is my second language I make mistakes all the time!
Sending much love to you and please take good care of yourself. Where can I read your poems? I love good poems.
After the week I have had, this was exactly what I needed to read in order to reset 🙏 thank you for your beautiful world and analysis of our fucked up society 💕
I hope you get all the rest you need. Your health is the most precious thing! Xx
This resonated.
Sleep is something we're taught is for the weak, those with insufficient hustle or gumption, but that ideology was designed to serve capitalism and industrial production, not individuals. It's hard to step away from the grind -- hard to not feel like one has to justify -- but if we don't protect and care for ourselves, who will?
Rest well :)
Loved reading this (at 2am Sydney time).
Thank you for reading, Rose! x
After my mum died I OD'ed about every 2 weeks on a very dangerous non-controlled drug, for 6 months, therapy got it to every three months, for about 3-4 years. Then annually, I never got a diagnosis. When I agreed to go into a ward voluntarily, after the 24+ hours of sedation I realized no actual treatment goes on, and promptly got myself discharged in 3 days. It was worse than being at risk of death, like hell had opened up through the floor in a horror movie. They'll let you do it again and again, except I've been fine there since 2011 with no help whatsoever of any value -once they messed up the NHS, and now its wrecked. I'll never voluntarily go into a psych ward again.
I don't know how you function, I have some things wrong with me - How do you work, and work so hard? I hide. I don't know you, but that's both horrific and amazing. Not so for the world sadly.
I'm so sorry to hear of your experiences (which sound very similar to mine, so I completely feel your pain) and I'm grateful to you for sharing. I got discharged from NHS mental health services last year - after 22 years spent suffering at the useless hands of this broken system - because the Personality Disorder Unit that was meant to be treating me only made me sicker and caused me incredible harm, so I didn't feel safe there at all, so they simply got rid of me. Now I'm under the care of my GPs and a private therapist and it's infinitely better.
And I hide too. Work was often (and still sometimes is) just another form of hiding for me: hiding behind being so busy that I don't possibly have time to think or feel and cannot afford to fall to pieces because otherwise I'll get fired and be homeless again, so I'm forced to hold any mood crashes in (although of course I couldn't hide my psychoses when they presented; I had to quit a great publishing job because the sound of my colleagues' keyboards being tapped sent me into a full breakdown); hiding behind responsibilities given to me by others so I didn't have to face the responsibility of getting clean, getting help, getting treatment, getting well; hiding behind some fancy job title because it gave a clear identity when I didn't have a fucking clue who I was or what I was doing; hiding behind a facade of being A Normal Person with A Normal Job and A Normal Routine when my brain is the opposite of normal. It's all hiding, but in a "socially acceptable" way - rather than my preferred mode of hiding which is to isolate myself from everything and everyone.
I hope you are (or that you very soon become) supported in all the ways you need. Please take good care of yourself. I really wish you well ❤️
I start trauma (DV) focussed counselling next week. Trauma therapy is the end goal, waits are a year or more. I may get the help and a dv related diagnosis, and help rebuilding myself. In between I have to face and end the isolation using the resources when slots free up to do activities, this is the terrifying bit right now.
I start clinical help focussed on current and historic issues next week finally that's the main thing. Social Services helped set most of it up.
sending you much love. please be gentle with yourself and love yourself first.
Thank you so much 🫶
Dear HLR, you are a very kind and thoughtful person. I love how clearly you express your thoughts and ideas - Simple and unpretentious, and your writing is so perfect - I learn much from the way you write. How I wish you could be my editor! English is my second language I make mistakes all the time!
Sending much love to you and please take good care of yourself. Where can I read your poems? I love good poems.
Cheers, Dev 🙏